Wow—what a topic.
For a long time, I bought into the belief that I was confident. It wasn’t until I met a soul mate of mine—someone who challenges me unlike any other— that I would learn that there are two types of confidence:
1. Real, unshakeable confidence
2. False, perceived confidence
I made an audio on this—click here to learn more.
It wasn’t until my late 20s (I turn 30 next month!) that I realized I was walking around for YEARS embodying a very false sense of confidence.
Where did my “confidence” come from? My career. It was what I was “good at”—whatever that means.
But guess what? Pentagon, schmentagon… The moment my career experienced any lapse, it felt like my identity was in quicksand.
For years, I used achievement as a way to feel worthy and as a way to feel “safe” in social situations where I would have otherwise felt “not enough.”
At the end of the day, I lacked a real, unshakeable confidence in who I was as a person.
“Hey Ashley, I hear that your business is KILLING IT. You’re a boss.”
I’d smile and hide behind it. I bought into the idea that the better this business did, the more worthy I’d be for people to enjoy me. I talk a lot about this concept of worthiness in my audio.
…It was as though my career was a shiny costume that kept anyone from truly seeing me. And if no one had to see me, no one could truly reject me. That kept me… “safe.”
…But not anymore. No longer am I allowing myself to hide behind anything. It’s too tiring.
So you’re probably wondering… Is your confidence real or false?
Here are some thoughts about confidence:
1. If your confidence comes from outside of you, it’s false. If your confidence comes from your bank account, the woman (or man) on your arm, or the elevator pitch you give off at social gatherings, you’re in quicksand.
2. Confidence varies in different areas of your life. This was a big breakthrough I had. I found myself wondering for a while: can one simply be “confident” overall, or does one’s confidence vary in different areas?
We’ve all heard it before: “She’s just so confident.”
My question… Is she confident everywhere in her life? Not many people are.
Authentically, I have a lot of confidence in my ability to be insightful. When friends come to me, I almost always feel a sense of undisputable, unshakeable confidence knowing that I can support them. It’s because WHO I AM inside is someone who lives from the heart.
However, this confidence doesn’t necessarily translate over into my romantic relationships. In fact, my biggest growth opportunity has been learning how to be more confident in choosing a life partner.
The point? Just because you’re confident in one area of your life does NOT mean you’re overall CONFIDENT. It’s key to foster an awareness of where you can deepen your self-trust and growth.
3. Confidence comes from execution. Studies indicate that confidence is rooted in one’s inner dealings with the world. I’d also argue that confidence comes from honoring your commitments with yourself. After all, if you’re not going to honor your day’s “to do list” (side note: DON’T make it insurmountable or unrealistic!), it chips away at your confidence.
Small solution? Honor your commitments with yourself. Make them wisely.
I hope you learn to love yourself as much as I’ve come to love you. Enjoy my audio!